One Word: Plastic

I've been extra attentive to the quality of my food products since sampling a can of lima beans that tasted like Janitor In A Drum.

Cleaning solvent is not the flavor profile you want when enjoying lima beans. So I called Del Monte Foods to let them know about it. The nice lady in consumer affairs immediately sent me three dollars in product coupons. In these days of multi-million dollar lawsuits, I wonder what makes my claim only worth three dollars. Despite Del Monte's enticing offer, I'm not sure I can try their lima beans again for a while, unless I need them to clean my floors.

Now, tonight my bedtime soymilk smelled funny. As it turns out I was enjoying it from the same plastic cup that held my Bud Light earlier in the evening. CONFESSION: I sometimes drink from plastic cups to save on the need to do dishes. In fact, that led to an earlier settlement with the Budweiser Brewing Company of Saint Louis, Missouri. In that case, I'd complained that their beer was too fizzy. They asked how many of the tainted product I had consumed. I told them that it took eleven beers to confirm my suspicion. And I settled out of court for a free 12-pack. Upon further testing, I learned that the added fizz was due to pouring it into a plastic cup.

Maybe I should think more about my use of plastic? I do keep the plastic cup in the fridge for reuse. When you live in an apartment with brown water, lead pipes, and no dishwasher (except me), you learn to adapt. Or, is this kind of innovative recycling a family affair?

My dad saves his Extra brand gum wrappers while chewing a half stick at a time. The other day he was pleased to report that he's now down to consuming just a third of a stick. Growing up in the depression may have something to do with his frugality. He even saves the foil wrappers from each stick, and when he gets a bagful, sends them off to the Wrigley Company. I asked him what he expects to gain from this practice. He says he wants them to see how much waste they create. Based on his regular mailings to them, I'm guessing they're more interested in how they can get others to chew as much gum as he does.

Despite no response from Wrigley, Dad continues to chew, collect and stage his one-man protest about waste in this country. And I continue to use one cup for both beer and soy milk. When it comes to saving the earth, we all do what we can.

-Submitted by a college graduate who never had the future summed up in one word.

Family Cures For Winter Blues

The mid-winter blues didn't come out of the blue. Driving back from Milwaukee I realized the earth and sky had both been the same shade of gray for as long as I can remember. Even my bright blue VW bug is that same gray color after being covered with white road salt and then darkened with road grime. You'd think after a half century of living in Wisconsin I'd be used to winter. But it's still depressing to think the only color we see outside besides gray is yellow snow. And with my current workload, the only green space I can get to is the mold growing under my bathroom sink. Why mold is also growing inside my right ear is currently boggling the medical community. After prescribing antibiotic eye drops for my ear problems, they sent me to the drug store for a more unorthodox treatment. I don't need a prescription, just the nerve to ask the female pharmacist how best to dispense three drops of jock itch treatment into my right ear. Adding to the winter of my discontent is my annual sinus infection. Last night I tried the saline pot the ENT nurse told me to pour into one nostril so it would come out the other. My sinuses were so plugged that the salt water came out my left eye. I miss having Mom's advice on health issues.

Dad comes up with some great cures though. In fact, he invented saline sniffing as a cold and sinus treatment. Some of Dad's other medical cures include Crazy Glue for cuts, chlorine bleach for skin problems, and who could forget his cure for teeth stained from years of pipe smoking and blackjack gum chewing, the ever popular brushing your teeth with Comet. I imagine the taste is worse than having your mouth washed out with Dial soap. Mom introduced me to that practice after my creative use of some of the words you can't say on TV. Fortunately Dad's teeth enamel was saved when he showed off his brighter smile to his dentist who immediately put a stop to it.

I suspect my family’s desire to find creative healthcare solutions may be genetic. I shave with women's cold cream, use fruit-infused shampoo on my entire body, and put Vaseline soaked cotton balls in my ears to keep water out while showering. It may also be compounded by Seasonal Affect Disorder. My older brother uses a special light to beat the winter blues while reading the newspaper. As a kid he devised an ingenious system to avoid second hand smoke on long road trips in the station wagon. He’d put his jacket over his head, shove his face into the armpit, and feed the sleeve out a crack in the window for his own steady supply of fresh air. But Dad is still the father of invention. When I saw him last night for dinner, he pulled out a tube of VO5 hair dressing and carefully applied a glob to the inside of each nostril. "A little dab will do 'ya?" I declined despite his claims that it’s a “wonderful moisturizer.” I guess winter in Wisconsin inspires us all to adapt as best we can. Some families are just more inspired than others.

- Submitted by a winter and family survivalist